Jonathan Holmes
Jonathan Holmes is an acclaimed psychiatristologist of pedophilia who practises at his Hospital Of Monsters in Boston. He has a habit of being late to the podcast, be it because of traffic, the Think Wrongs, or some other reason, such as murder. He considers watching the Claymation Christmas Celebration (featuring the California Raisins) to be a similar experience to being injected with nightmare fluid. He has also endured The Worst Handjob Ever. The ethnicity of Holmes is unknown and often speculated on. Holmes has been know to have odd and some times controversial views on many topics of discussion whether it be video games, how to deal with criminals or his views on all types of apples. Holmes is generally popular within the Destructoid and Podtoid community and fanbase. His only nemesis is Colin Moriarty, who became the Moriarty to Holmes' Holmes upon learning that Jonathan was going to kill him with a knife. Later, it was concluded that there was a possibility that this could have been misinformation passed on by Jim Sterling after becoming inebriated on a single japanese beer. He is German and has the blood of German kings. His mother joined a cult after fleeing from the UK, where she fled to from Germany, with her brother (Jonathan's uncle) Hiney. He also has a brother who might kill podtoid fans on sight. Life improvement efforts : Main Article: Things to do with Jonathan Holmes for fun/profit/anus '' Jonathan Holmes' co-hosts on Podtoid frequently suggest ways to make his life better. These ideas, taken broadly, comprise a recurring segment on the show which has been dubbed "Things to do with Jonathan Holmes for fun/profit/anus" by fans. Often, these ideas involve Jonathan partaking in depraved acts for Jim Sterling's amusement/arousal, frequently under the pretense of some other ridiculous set of circumstances. One such example involved Jim tricking Jonathan into becoming a male prostitute by making him believe he was "Chicken Chungus: Vampire Hunter." Jim justifies his suggestion of these ideas by stating that he wishes to turn Jonathan's life into an "experience." Another running theme of the ideas include profit-oriented business ventures. These are quite possibly the greatest moneymaking ideas of all time, however Jonathan refuses to see this. A prime example of Jonathan's negativity comes when Jim has the splendid idea to turn Jonathan's Boston home into a western-style saloon and brothel. Jonathan, failing to see Jim's brilliance, seems to think that this quite frankly genius idea may "kill them" or "land them in prison." Jonathan rarely sees the practicality of Jim's ideas and instead focuses on fantastically unlikely outcomes such as death, homelessness, and incarceration in a mental or correctional facility. Talents According to his fans and admirers, his crimefighting abilities (as demonstrated with the The Baby Police) are second only to his umatched prowess at tumbling. These skills were demonstrated live on television at Val Kilmer's Black Dahlia Reveal Showdown , causing Bill O'Reilly to urinate in his trousers, and extensive analysis and admiration from the BBC. He also enjoys playing Nintendo products, creating animations, and mutilating the genitals of inmates at his Hospital Of Monsters Gamecube Commercial Pitches : ''Main Article: Gamecube Commercials Wishing to divulge his own non-banausic knowledge in the mind of madness, Holmes describes original advertisements for the Nintendo Gamecube console in a recurring segment. Aliases/Titles for Jonathan Holmes: * Luck Ass Pretty Boy Holme$ (Self-designated) *The Prophet Muhammad (Or Moham, though, if you're islamic, the last thing you want is mo' ham) *Yonatan Harlmes *The Ethnicity *The John Lennon of Eating Poop *Eskimo Fuck *The Cat Pimp of Baltimore *Jonathan "Luxury" Holmes *Twigguns *New Cocoabama *Chungus, Son of Chungus *Jonathan Bones *The Rosa Parks of Penises *Professor Cockknowledge *Slinkerus Snunks *Boston's Favorite Son *Grandpa Cola *Professor Pedophile *Tinker Train *Chicken Dinner *The Real Santa *Milky Muscles *"The only one who talks about videogames" *Chicken Chungus *The Jar Jar Binks of Destructoid *Artimus Hawkins *Vladimir Putin *Coffee *Doctor Genital *Spidered-Man *Dr. Holmes: Medicine Woman *Inventor of Christmas *Father Christmas *Santa Clause *Perfect Pizza *Jonathan Holmes, The Greatest Fucking Mouse Detective *Dr. Freaky Constantina *Captain Crack Cocaine *The Acoustic Vulva *Shadowfax, lord of all horses *Queen of The Bruderhof *Little baby fart *Jonathan Glowmes *Jonathan Holmes: The Living Breakfast *The All-American Boy Party *Jim's Sexy Idiot *The Haribo(y) *Brown Charlie *Vomatan Holmes *Mr. Handypants *Cyrus 2.0 *Lovely Little Crocodile *Yarn-Bitch Quotes *"The peehole is not to be touched or tampered with." *"I'm shabby with the butt." *"No..." *"Why would I...?" *"We would either be dead, or arrested at that point." *"Why am I always Chungus?" *"I'm sort of a beige colour..." *"I don't want to pigeonhole you..." *"Press B to Genocide" *"Mmph... urghh... mmm... urrrrgh". *"I am so confused by any sort of anal plays or moves" *"No! Don't eat my poo!" *"There's so much stuff that people eat that is worse than poo." *"Cumming? I hate that word!" *"I'm not a doctor..." *"But the anus is negative space, isn't it? You can't fuck anything with your anus." *"I felt very ignorant." *"When are you gonna' give me the crack!" *"I'm makin' a real... I'm really frowning right now." *"Did you hear my dog just now? Ugh, she sucks." *"It'll be interesting to see if my brother actually kills someone. He might." *(at Jim) "You've never really tried to have sex with me a lot." *"I no nympho!" *"JIM! This podcast is WAY worse than any part of Postal!" *"His response was- I showed it to my kinds and they said: Great! I bet he uses his anus as a suitcase!" *"Religions gotta start somehow..." *"I think you're talking about yarn... but you seem to like talking about it too much." *"Be my real friend, not just my butt friend." A more comprehensive list of Holmes' quotes can be found at the Twitter account @JonHolmesQuotes. Images YougHolmes.jpg IMG 0513.JPG Jonny.jpg Vlcsnap-2012-12-30-01h22m43s14.png Sonic needs help by mrnorth.png Holme's Residents.jpg 460914541.jpg homesy dreams.jpg holmes.jpg|Holmes, as he appears on his commemorative dinner plate. Holmesxsterling.png TGNAOJH1.png|Comic made by Dtoider McNyers powerpuff holmes.png HcWh4.jpg|comic by VoltySquirrel Links *Jonathan's Twitter Category:Podtoid Hosts